I would like this Easter to be a personal death and resurrection of sorts. There are some things that I want to let die and leave behind and there are some other things I would like to blossom in my life. Cathie and I will be asking our Lord today to do these things in our hearts.

First the death stuff. For those of you who know me, seeing the negatives of life seems to come a little too easy for me. While not popular these days, critical thinking is a necessity on this side of heaven. While certainly never always right, I seem to be wired for this task. It is not always so fun for me either.

The first area of death has to do with the organized, or as I will call it, the institutional church. It is the church most of us think of when we talk about church. Our words reveal our thoughts-Do you go to church? Did you go to church last week? Are you a member of a church? Church was good this week. I'll meet you at the church. You get the idea. I want to put to death in my mind forever that this is the Church- the Body of Christ. This erroneous thinking has had profound implications in my life.

For years I have tried to join the institutional church. It is what every Christian should do you know- "Do not forsake the assembling together…". I have tried many different flavors of them and I have even attempted to join some at the denominational level. These connections have been the most frustrating aspects of my life! I have high expectations for the Church. Not demands- but only fruit one would think to exist. I expect to see the life of Jesus expressed through His people. I expect to be surrounded by people who are strangers and aliens of this present world. I assume that the majority of those in attendance will be broken of their self-driven lives and be eagerly seeking the life that only Christ can give. These kinds of hearts have been, by far, the exception rather than the rule.

I am not talking about strong mature people who always do things right and "for" God. I am talking about weak people who know they need and want the life of God. I am talking about Spirit transformed people who, from the core of their hearts, want to please Him and have come to view Him as their life. They want to get together to share this wonderful Savior and giver of life. They want to see each other. They know that their time together will include the gifts of God necessary to live and work on this side of heaven. These kinds of relationships for me have been, almost exclusively, outside the institutional church.

First of all, the institutional church doesn’t even clearly know the message. Even in the Evangelical Churches, Christianity is understood as a way for us to get better at living life "for" God. It is erroneously thought of as the place for us to do things to get "God's" message out. Christianity is about restoring the life of God in us. It is not about us getting stronger and better. Christianity is about abiding in Christ- He is better and stronger. It is a restoration of the dependent life in Him that we were created for. The Christian life is not about working all the Biblical principles. It is not PURPOSE DRIVEN as a popular church growth book promotes- it is Person (Jesus) driven. We are not to be pumped up with Bible messages and told to try harder. We are to keep pointing each other to Him. Yes, HE IS A PERSON! This is not just one of many teachings the Church needs - this is the message! How can anything be right in the institutional church when they can't even get the foundation right?

Instead of encouraging and strengthening our identity in Jesus, often the institution becomes our identity. This is why it focuses on events rather than life. Sunday Morning service is the primary focal point. Enormous amounts of energy are pumped into this one event. Sunday service determines whether church was "good" or not. This institutional identity is especially important in choosing a "pastor". The pastor becomes the church's representative.

Rarely, if ever, is a church evaluated by the life of its individual members. Do those involved in this body have a growing dependent relationship with Jesus? Is their identity in Christ alone? Are the members experiencing real fellowship- are they pointing each other to Christ? Are the members real friends and like family to each other?

Probably the most unhealthy aspect of the institutional church is the position and role of the pastor. As many of you know, I am a pastor wanna-be. This is changing. I recently went through a cycle of sending out resumes and waiting for responses. I also was a pastoral candidate for the first time several weeks ago. The church of a close friend has also been looking for a pastor and I have learned from it. Another good friend is a former pastor who is still suffering from the experience. I have been up to my eyeballs in "pastor" stuff. It is not good.

The institutional church is looking for a professional chaplain, corporate builder, self-identity booster and public relations man. They want a proven "enhancer". They want a leader who will take the group to new heights and bigger attendance. They want the ultimate "Christian". The congregation wants someone who is strong and sharp for God and them. They especially want someone who knows a lot of truth, can teach it to them in an interesting way and then have the ability to prod the members to do it. (Paul said that Jesus has become our wisdom from God.)

The institutional church does not want "first base" stuff like each individual needing to know and listen to God. The members do not want to have this "abstract" relationship with Jesus. They want a shepherd they can see who will give them the answers. They do not want to listen together to see what God is doing in their midst- they want a seminary graduate and experienced program coordinator who already knows what to do and can make it happen.

Listen to the credentials of the great Apostle Paul:

A pastor's spiritual integrity is flushed down the sewer the minute he cranks out a resume. A resume is a boast about a person's past performance and his intellectual achievements. These boastings are incompatible with true spirituality. The very first act the institutional church requires a pastor to perform is a boasting sheet. If a pastor's resume does not measure up to the performance and intellectual standards of the congregation it is rejected. There is no need to further investigate the person; his relationship to the Lord, his Spirit given gifts, God using him to point others to Jesus or to equip members to do the same in others. I find very little Kingdom perspective in this process, but I see a lot of the ways of the world.

The institutional church does not want a dependent relationship with Jesus they want someone to strengthen and enhance their life. They want someone who they can be proud of and look up to. They want someone they and their community can respect and admire. They want someone to do ministry for them; they do not want to be equipped for the ministry.

Today my pursuit of a relationship with the institutional church is crucified. I will no longer equate it with the Body of Christ. I will no longer weakly justify to myself or to others why I do not "attend" church. I will no longer expect this institution to express the life of Christ. It is merely a form and its structure does not easily promote the life of Christ. Surely there are some institutions that glorify Jesus- but they are few. Surely there are real Christians in the institution- but they in no way form the majority. Yes, I will serve in a congregation if God was to direct- but I no longer expect or hope for it.

Today my pursuit of a pastoral position is crucified. I will no longer seek out a job or career as a pastor. I refuse to boast and send out resumes. (You may say mine isn't so hot anyway!) I reject the traditional role of Pastor. I am a member of the body of Christ- period. I seek no higher identity. (What could be higher identity than a son of God? What could be greater than a loving relationship with the God of the universe?)

The relationship with the institutional church and the pursuit of the pastorate has drained enough of my energy. I have been angry, I have grumbled, I have been hurt and I have tried to make sense of it. Except for a few cases I believe that it is impossible to be fully committed to the institution and to Christ at the same time. I am not one to dabble. Thank God it is over!

The third area of death is much harder for me. Today I must let God crucify the expectation of even having a small group of Christians that are choosing to be a local expression of the Body of Christ where we live. I have tried for 11 years to see this become a reality. As much as I want this to happen, I can not make it happen. I must be content with only Him. He alone must be what gives me identity. His Word alone must determine what makes me feel valuable. A relationship with Him alone must be my purpose and my "mark" to be left. Anything else must be seen as "gravy" and never as the substance.

Finally, to the life and the resurrection. The former has been quite dreary and sad. It sounds like I must be quite depressed. It seems like it will be difficult to try hard to let this go. I am not depressed and I don't think it will be hard. I am actually feeling quite free and anticipating a more joyful relationship with Jesus and His Church. Freedom in Jesus is really wonderful.

I have the God of the universe residing in me. He has committed Himself to perfect in me what He has started. He is making me to be like Him. He loves me. He fully accepts me. He chose me. He is much smarter than I am, He is fully in control and He will make the absolute best of my life. What could be better than that!

He is the Head of the Church (not the institution). He is building it at this very moment. I am not responsible for it- He is. He has placed me in His Body right where I am and He will use me as He sees fit and in the most effective way. I have not given up on the real Church. If you have been born by the Spirit and have been placed in the Body you are related to me.

If you receive these thoughts then these are the thoughts God wants you to have from me. (I am not saying I am right or inspired). I am a member of the Body of Christ and, if you are, we are having fellowship. Right now God is using me to build His Body. The fact that you are "out there" has prompted me to write this and you have been a ministry to me. It sounds kind of weird, but when I share with others the Spirit ministers to me too. What could give me more purpose?

Because of my former false expectations and search for value from others I have been ungrateful for the incredible gifts that God has given me. I have a wonderful loving wife. She has laid down her life to serve me (I know it is supposed to be the other way around). She is one of the most giving people I know- and I know her better than you do! She is very sensitive and kind. I have said in the past that she is too good to be true. I know she doesn't feel like she is- but it doesn't change the facts. Most importantly she is extremely loved by God. He has chosen her. He has decided to reside in her and He longs to be her best friend. How much more valuable can you get?

I have a little princess of a daughter that is no doubt a gift from God. She loves me. She wants to be with me. She also is very sensitive and kind. I wish I could claim wonderful parenting skills but I can not. She is just good and loving. As she grows I hope she embraces the One who loves and values her most.

I have been ungrateful for the physical life that God has given me. He has lavished me with blessings. He has given us a huge wonderful old house and the skills and time to deal with this huge old house. I have power tools, a heated shop and money in the bank. While focused on my expectations and desires I have nearly missed this abundance. He has given Cathie and I a job many people would die for. We work from our home, have plenty of help, care for His kids and get paid good money besides.

I have several wonderful Christian friends. I spend hours on the phone and over coffee with them. They are learning to depend on Him and the life of Jesus is being expressed through them. They are mature believers, not because they went to seminary or because they know tons of Bible truth, they know Him and are learning to live in Him. I am firmly connected to the Body of Christ through these friends even though we do not all congregate together.

I have been unable to enjoy His gifts because of my false "Christian" outlook and expectations. I am now going to enjoy them. I am going to ask God today for a transformed heart. I want to enjoy Him and what He chooses to bring into my life. I want to live in Him. I want to be as a child who loves the heck out of being with his Dad. A child who knows that Dad knows best and He will pick out the agenda for my life. I want to be a child that is free from the responsibility of missing out on a full life. My Father loves me and will do the best for me. He also loves my wife, my daughter and the Body of Christ. He will be their love and source.

Lord, today I want to recognize my former goals and expectations as crucified. I have been trying to live out my own self-driven life. I have not trusted You and I have not been grateful for Your gifts. Forgive me. I specifically want to put to death my pursuit of what I have called church and my desire to be a "pastor". Lord, I am tired of the compromises and all the pretending that I must do to fully participate. What is "their" fault and what is "mine" I do not know. I want You to lead me to Yourself and to Your people. I want You to use me in any way You want. Thank You for Cathie, for Sheila, for my job, for all the stuff and for the friends. Fill our hearts with You. For Your glory and for Your Son's sake.

Your son, Ken

BACK to Life In Jesus Articles